relaxing?

I had been writing this piece for a day or two, slowly adding a sentence here and a new thought there. And then suddenly the piece felt silly and irrelevant- so I abandoned it. I filed it away in the ‘Blog Ideas’ folder and moved on quickly to a new topic. The next day I read the post from my favourite blogger Carrie Snyder from her blog Obscure Canlit Mama. She catalogued the words that had been chaotically swirling around my head into one of her poignant and personal blog posts. Her work inspired me to return to my post and after a few cut and pastes...this is what I had.

We took a mental health day. We were going to do nothing. We were going to nap and eat and watch Sons of Anarchy. There would be no work of any kind...I made it ‘til 2pm. I was busted organizing the kitchen cupboards. I don’t know how it happened, I went into the kitchen with the intentions of getting a drink - the next thing I know I am debating whether it makes more sense for dried beans to go in the cupboard with canned beans, or dried lentils! Until I was caught that is...

As I was being ushered out of the kitchen back to the living room and placed on the couch - I was informed that he would be getting the drink for me as I could no longer be trusted to not do something while in the kitchen. 

He whistles off to the kitchen to retrieve drinks and snacks and his words echo in my head “why can’t you just sit still?” They were said in a teasing and playful manner but somehow they struck a cord deep down --I will never be done everything -- there will always be something else to do. And even if somehow I achieved the impossible and I got everything done, it could all still be done better.  The thought overwhelms me and I feel like I am drowning in failed expectations - mostly my own.

Can you really have it all? It sounds too good to be true - but so does Deep-Fried Mars Bars, and they are all too real. But what’s the point of having it all if you have no time to just stop and enjoy it.  I had travelled close, too close, scary close, to that fine line that separates happy, productive, balanced people from frenetic, prozac pumped, over-achievers. We all know the type...

My thoughts returned to my present reality - lounging on the couch surrounded in pillows and blankets and yet unable to get comfortable. Why isn’t this relaxing? This is supposed to be enjoyable and rejuvenating. Instead I feel antsy and pent up. Doing nothing all day irritates me. Maybe I just don’t find ‘relaxing’ all that relaxing. I had just about given up and conceded to living my life always being wound a little too tight. And then everything changed. My husband-to-be’s work schedule changed, leading to earlier mornings. At first I groaned at the early morning alarm and the ruckus he created in the kitchen. Then one morning he left a steaming mug of coffee on the nightstand and the aroma roused me to consciousness in a subtle and coaxing manner in a way no alarm clock ever could. I propped up the pillows, turned on the lamp, caressed the mug of coffee in one hand and scooped up my book with the other. I leaned back burrowing into my comfortable, warm bed. All alone in our quiet home in the early morning darkness, deep in the covers of our bed and even deeper in my book, I acknowledge how relaxing ‘relaxing‘ can be. And how easy it can be to quiet the calls from the dishes in the sink, the running shoes at the door and revel in the pleasure of doing nothing.      

***

This is my favourite part of Carrie’s blog post. I laughed so hard at this as I caught a glimpse of myself in this. 

“In my head, I'm lying on a picnic blanket in the sunshine surrounded by my children. In reality I'd be digging up the weeds.”