Anti-aging, already?

Saturday morning 8 a.m, I am standing in the shower under the stream of water wondering one thing and one thing only; When did I become so old? There is still so much that I need to do. There’s that PhD to get, those countries to travel, volunteering to do, children to have, a home to own, a wedding to plan, a husband to love, books to be read and books to be written. It is all so overwhelming. I was just supposed to have a quick shower before work, how did I get so sidetracked? 

I retrace my thoughts as I often do. I was washing my face. I was noticing how low my Origins facewash was, I was thinking about getting a new facewash. Did I want to stick with my usual facewash or try something new? My mother’s voice plays in my head “At 25 years old you should start using anti-aging products”. Is that true? No way it is. What if it is? Its been two years since my 25th birthday, should I start slathering on the stuff to make up for lost time or do I just rely on good genes and sunscreen to keep me from resembling Walter Mathau. 

And there, right there is how I went from peacefully washing my face, feeling the ‘Broad Leaf Kelp Extract’ doing whatever Broad Leaf Kelp Extract is supposed to do- to feeling like somewhere along the way, I lost my way. 

The thought of getting older while being someone who is still so childlike and adventurous at heart is downright terrifying and it has been for the past few years. Some of it must be caused by the fact that I am currently engaged to a younger man. Yes, he is legal...barely - or so it seems sometimes when I am feeling especially down. He is two years my junior, except between the dates of September 14th to December 19th when for exactly 97 days I have the great pleasure of being 3 years older then my boyfriend (‘fiancee’ is one of the nastiest words in the English language, second only to ‘moist’ and with ‘panties’ falling comfortably into third place).

OR maybe it is because at my age my mother was married with two daughters! I can barely find the time to work, write and look after myself (I am constantly in need of feedings, potty breaks and an embarrassing amount of burpings) and my mom was looking after other live human beings! Most days I am in total and utter shock that Angus -my perfect 11 months old puppy -is still alive with me as his primary caregiver. 

OR maybe it is because my friends all seem to have really big and important sounding jobs while- even though I love my job and it pays all the bills - it sounds very unassuming and mundane really. 

 I might not know the exact reason for my recent aging crisis, but the symptoms of it are very clear. A realization of the things that truly matter and make you happy- which some may think is the hard part, but it isn’t. The hard part comes next; trying to find a balance between the things that make us happy and the things that life requires us to do, i.e paying rent, going to work, trips to the laundromat, cleaning toilets, washing tupperware, planning a wedding, making lunches, grocery store checkout lines,  etc. once all of this is done who has the time/energy/money to do the things that really make us happy? 

I am happy when I am writing, researching, reading, talking (something I do far too much), listening or observing. But mostly, writing. For as long as I have known I have been writing; I have kept journals my entire life -all of which I still have and will always love picking one up, opening a page and reading a little piece from my life. English class was always my refuge from math class, a place where I excelled and felt intelligent and where the work of writing papers always came so naturally for me. Writing is how I communicate in situations where my verbal words would escape me or get lost in my anger and frustrations. 

I write to organize my thoughts that seem so fluid and yet cramped in my brain. I write, because when I don’t I feel suffocated in my own thoughts. 

I was born to be a writer and yet sometimes weeks will go by where I don’t get behind the computer except to work. Sometimes, life just gets in the way. But with age I suppose does come wisdom and this new found wisdom came to me in the form of a punch in the face. Cut less important things out and just make the time. Obviously I have always known this but somehow I feel a sense of urgency now. I feel like ‘tomorrow’ and ‘later’ is now and so here I go...